Marcy and I just got back from an amazing hike. Despite returning to a job rejection I was really hoping for, the night hike was fantastic. Captured some awesome night shots of the valley—will share soon. We trekked the Kim Williams Trail, ventured up Helgate Canyon Trail, and made it to Sentinel’s peak. The top was enveloped in clouds, like wading through soup, but it cleared up about 500 feet below. It was a great hike!
I just got back from LC Staffing here in Missoula and yet another chance at help with my job search. This is the first place in Missoula that understood about Sikorsky's policy. I have been having problems convincing companies that Sikorsky does not allow any calls concerning job refrences. Here in Montana, if you cannot call your previous employer to get a reference than you must be a person to stay away from.
Well I must check my emails and see if I got any bites from this mornings casts into the employment pond.
Yesterday took an unexpected turn when my buddy Larry hit me up with a wild idea: tackle Stuart Peak on our mountain bikes, pushing all the way to the wilderness boundary before taking on the peak itself. Fired up by the challenge, we set off at 12:30 p.m., racing against time to make it back for the Thursday Mountain Bike Night Ride at 6 p.m.
Larry, ever the packrat, loaded his bike rack like we were setting off on a cross-country trek. That decision quickly bit back as we hit the Trail of Tears, a climb that lived up to its name, especially for Larry with his extra cargo. I managed to pull ahead, snagging some photos to capture our adventure (and Larry’s struggle).
The route was relentless, steep, and brutal, all the way until we hit the switchbacks about 2 miles from the Wilderness Boundary. Despite the terrain, I was in my element, only having to dismount for a couple of logs and a particularly sneaky root that caught me off guard.
As we neared our goal, the wilderness never looked so inviting, nor the challenge so rewarding. We reached our turnaround point with just enough time to spare, hustling back with the thrill of the ride pumping through our veins and the promise of the night ride spurring us on.
We made it back with moments to spare, the night ride a perfect capstone to an already exhilarating day. But the true cherry on top? Celebrating our conquest with pizza, sharing slices and stories, a perfect blend of carbs and camaraderie. Here’s to spontaneous adventures, challenging climbs, and the friends who make them unforgettable.
The alarm went off at 6 a.m. but I figured, why should I get up. No job, no possibilities, no interviews except one, and no money. What is the use? Today I am sending off a letter to you [link=http://www.youdictate.com]www.youdictate.com[/link] and some of my friends to see if they have heard anything new. Its Thursday so tonight is the night ride. I am not looking forward to it like I usually am because I don't have a job and I am embarrassed. Am I really useless?
My problem is that I have no discipline. Children need discipline to feel secure; so do adults. Discipline means understanding there are logical consequences to our behavior. Maybe that is my problem, I have no logic. Discipline means taking responsibly for my behavior and the consequences. Who was I to think I could have a real fun summer just like in my bike riding days. I had it all back then.
Discipline means waiting for what we want. Discipline means being willing to work for and toward what we want. Discipline means learning and practicing new behaviors. Discipline means being where we need to be, when we need to be there, despite our feelings. Discipline is the day to day performing of tasks, whether these be getting a job behaviors or washing the clothes. I do that just enough for me to look discipline but in reality, I do not!
The biggest part of discipline is the ability to trust that my goals will be reached even though I can not see them. I can not do that! Look at me wanting to kill my self because I don't want to fight any more.
Discipline is grueling. I feel afraid, confused, uncertain. Later on, I am supposed to see the purpose. I do not. I herd from someone that clarity does not come from the time of discipline. Well my question is this – how long must I be disciplined? You can only fight so long. Maybe that is what is wrong with me, no endurance.
The task at hand (unemployment) is simple; trust, listen, and network. Bullshit!
I just got back from meeting with a real nice woman named Debi at Work Force Inc. We had a good meeting and she said that they did not have any Computer Science positions but will work to find one. I told her that in the meantime I wanted anything. Let's hope.
I am also applying at LC Staffing here in Missoula. I have posted an online interview. I want to document it because I feel I should review these questions which most employers are possablily going to ask.
Last night around 9p.m. someone started moving in upstairs. Ten o clock came around and they were still moving in. I wanted to go to bed but it was too noisy. I started listening to a Stephen King book and suddenly I started chocking and sneezing. My apartment was filling up with smoke. Someone upstairs was blowing smoke into the air intake for the heating system. I duct taped all the vents and opened the windows. Keep in mind it is 20 degrees out. I didn't get to sleep until 4 a.m. and now my clothes and my apartment smells like I am a smoker. So I ask you, does it get any worse than this?
I just posted last nights dream in my Dream Catcher blog. Weird that I always dream about lost love. Today I have another interview with yet another temp agency. I just had oatmel and coffee and must now get a snapping. I really wish that ]www.youdictate.com will call me and offer me a job.
Embracing acceptance, I’ve realized that the art of letting go is a step towards serenity. If a relationship is meant to thrive, it will find its way without my forceful guidance. It’s not my role to steer its course.
Acknowledgment dawns that what will be, will be. There’s beauty in the natural progression of a bond, unforced and unmanaged. My intervention won’t accelerate its destiny.
So, to a friend I’ve held dear, I impart a simple wish for a good day. This gesture, no longer laden with expectations, signifies a shift in my energy from effort to ease.
The truth has unveiled itself in stark clarity—it’s been a solo journey of exertion on my part. To give when it’s convenient for another is no exchange—it’s exploitation.
The realization that my generosity has been a one-way street brings no resentment, only a pivot in my attention. It’s time for self-care, for preserving my well-being above all.
And so, with a gentle withdrawal, I step back. Any hurt that follows my silence is not borne of malice but a boundary set for self-respect. I’m finally choosing to see and accept things as they are.
I’m back online after my trip to the laundromat for the usual Monday laundry. While one load was in, I headed downtown to visit Taco DeSoul. Let me tell you, real food tastes incredible when you haven’t had any for a couple of days. As I was leaving, a homeless person approached me and asked for money. I replied, ‘I saved up for a week just to come and eat here.’ ‘I’ll be here with you begging soon enough,’ they said. If I do manage to land a job before I blow away into the wind, I’ll make sure to order an extra taco and share some food with those in need on my way out. It’s a reminder to be grateful for even a single meal in a day
I was just online for a little while before I called VW of America. I was hoping for a job offer, but unfortunately, I didn’t receive one. However, I did get a couple of leads for roofing and office maintenance jobs. Still, with wages at 7 and 8 dollars an hour, I’m faced with the difficult decision of giving up the car. This is a challenging situation. It reminds me of a blog post from back when I first got the car:
SATURDAY, JULY 07, 2001 My car broke down again yesterday, and this time, it was the transmission that gave out. I’m in the process of trying to secure a loan for a new car. I’ve always had a soft spot for the Volkswagen Beetle. Today, I’ll be heading to VW of Fairfield to explore the possibility of purchasing a new car. Stay tuned!
Good morning from the Liquid Planet. I believe today’s blog should start with a nice picture to kick off the week. I woke up this morning, ventured into town for breakfast, answered emails, sent out resumes, and worked on my blog. The weather is pleasant, but my mood seems to oscillate between a sense of uncertainty and acceptance. I can’t wait to have a job; this situation is driving me crazy.
I once read, and I can’t recall who said it, but it goes, ‘To thine own self be true.’ Today, I’m reflecting on my current needs and what it takes to live without a job. What are those needs? Will they be met? How am I feeling, and what steps can I take to address those emotions? What are my feelings trying to tell me about my path and where I need to go?
I’m following my instincts, not the expectations of others. Sometimes, the demands of others can cloud and confuse our instincts. I think I’ve been doing that all summer, and my grandmother can vouch for it. By doing this, I believe I’m staying true to others only because I’m committed to staying true to myself. You can deceive others, but never – never deceive yourself.
There is a gift for everyone in each relationship that comes our way. Not just human relationships but our relationship with the world around us. Sometimes the gift is a behavior we are learning to acquire: detachment, self-esteem, confidence, setting boundaries, or owning our power in another way. Sometimes a hardship can be a gift – like unemployment.
Some relationships trigger healing in us. I can say that this summer has enabled me to heal from the wounds of that last corporate job. It has triggered healing from issues of the past and stocked the band aide cabinet for the future.
Then there is the humans (lol – I mean people) we live with and around. Sometimes we find ourselves learning the most important lessons from the people we least expect. For instance feed back from a riding partner. Relationships may teach us about loving ourselves or someone else. Hold on mom, I am not in a relationship. Back to my thought …Or maybe we will learn to let others love us.
Today I am a little uptight and anxious about unemployment and the possibility of starving and living in the car. Sometime we are not aware of the lesson that we are learning. We must believe that the lesson is there and understand that when it is time the gift will be precisely what we need.
(12:39 PM ) Lex Hilliard rushed for a career high 132 yards and a touchdown and Craig Ochs passed for 227 yards and two scores in Number Ten Montana’s 34-to-22 Big Sky Conference victory over Northern Arizona this afternoon in Missoula.
Montana is now 7-and-2 overall, 4-and-1 in conference.
(12:33 PM) A long-time rancher wants to transform his acreage on Lolo Peak into a world class ski resort. Tom Maclay has already hired a manager for his project and has carved out several ski runs on his three thousand acres overlooking the city of Missoula.
He also knows where he’d like to put the main lodge and warming huts.
But Maclay needs to lease land in the Lolo and Bitterroot national forests above his property, since his land only reaches six thousand feet. He’s also looking for broad community support.
Business leaders say developing a ski area in Missoula would only work if the resort was large enough to attract out-of-state visitors.
The national forests haven’t been receptive to the deal, but the Lolo forest is revising its forest management plan this spring.
(6:33 p.m.) Tonights hike Marcy and I hiked up between the Sentinel Mountains. We did the trail up between the peaks and then circled around and topped the South Peak. What a great view tonight with the sunset just stunning. I hope to get in a little Cold Fusion programming tonight and some web work before I go to bed.
Yesterday? Rough. Last night? Let’s just say I’m ready to leave it in the past. But hey, not all bad news, I did manage to squeeze in a hike and make some progress on my new blog app. Yep, I’m officially a hiking, blogging, web-coding machine these days. More updates on that soon. Sleeping, though, is a different story. My ribs are sore as heck, and last night, trying to get up off the floor, I’m pretty sure I heard one of them crack. Good times, right?
Today, though, is game day, and I’m banking on the Griz to show Arizona what’s what. Sorry, Mom and Dad, but I’m hoping for a nice, hearty slaughter.
Honestly, I can’t wait to get my life moving again, getting a job, a routine, some stability. All this limbo, unemployment, counting pennies, it’s a drain. But I’ve decided I’m going to enjoy myself today, money or no money, even if it’s the last fun I have for a while. I’ve got 23 days left before the cash fully runs out and “homeless” goes from looming threat to actual reality. So today, I’m just gonna breathe and let myself have fun. No guilt. I know, I know, I’ve been keeping it light all summer, but this past month has been especially rough. If it had all been like this, I’d probably be back East by now, crashing on someone’s couch. (Don’t worry, Paul, I won’t come knocking for cash or a place to stay. Yet!)
There’s work to be done, and I’m ready to do it. But today, it’s about guilt-free fun. I even went hiking last night, after dark, yes, and sure, I felt guilty being out there when I hadn’t finished everything I wanted to. But I went. Which reminds me, if I want to get in some biking before the game, I better head out soon.
This recovery isn’t just about surviving the tough stuff. It’s about learning to make myself feel okay, then eventually good. Today, I’m choosing to feel good. So enjoy your day, I know I’m gonna try.
It’s a dark, cold Friday morning, and let me tell you, I am dragging. You can probably see it, practically have “sleepy” written across my forehead. Last night was fun, though. Went on a night ride with Larry, and, well, most of it was great…until I smacked into his bike carrier. Now I’ve got bruised ribs to show for it. Can’t seem to win for losing these days.
Still haven’t heard anything back from the job I was really excited about, and now that my unemployment’s dried up, it’s time to start packing up. I’m gearing up to live out of the car for a bit, and once that’s gone, I guess it’ll be the homeless shelter. The logistics are already giving me a headache, figuring out where to stash my stuff, especially the laptop. “Someday, over the rainbow,” right? At least Missoula is a beautiful place to crash-land.
There’s a silver lining, though: a friend’s taking me to the football game this weekend. One last hurrah before I, you know, go off the grid. But don’t worry too much, I’m just having a moment here. I know I need to chill out and get some perspective, or I’m just going to make everything feel ten times worse than it is.
Which brings me to a tangent (I’ve always got one, don’t I?). I once read something about the stages of acceptance, and bargaining always struck me as one of the trickiest. Denial has a weird bliss to it, and anger, well, that has its own power. But in bargaining, you’re in this back-and-forth, clinging to the idea that you can somehow change things, even while you realize just how helpless you are. It’s exhausting, really.
It’s funny (and by “funny,” I mean totally disheartening): how many times do we turn ourselves inside out, thinking that if we just tweak a few things, the universe will come around? I’ve tried all kinds of ridiculous bargains myself. Like, if I lose weight, maybe I’ll finally feel happy. If I keep my place spotless, maybe I’ll feel like my life’s under control. Go on a brutal bike ride and push myself so hard I can’t think…and maybe afterward, I’ll magically feel peaceful.
Honestly, I’ve been doing it since I was a kid. I’d think, If I’m the perfect child, Mom and Dad will finally get along, or If I’m good enough, maybe nothing bad will happen. You get the picture.
I’m realizing, though, that all these mental “deals” are just me trying to avoid what’s really happening. There’s no substitute for just sitting down and accepting reality as it is. That’s the real goal, right? Bargaining might feel like control, but it’s just another way of stalling. If I can recognize my bargaining for what it is, maybe I can finally stop making deals and choose acceptance. It’s a process, sure, but at least it feels like I’m moving forward.
Looks like the republicans have succeeded in scaring American into submission. How does it feel to be controlled. Here in our country of Montana we have decided to drop party labels and build a big fence to keep our neighbors (corporate America) out of our yard. Good luck Americans!
I think Americans need to come to grips with their denial. Denial is a fertile breeding ground for the behaviors the psychology professionals call codependency: controlling, focusing on others, and neglecting themselves. The Illness and compulsive or addictive behavior of George Bush will continue to emerge during American's denial.
Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping. American's are not really aware of what they are doing until there done doing it. I guess we have just learned that forcing others – other Americans – to face the truth usually doesn't help. I guess America wont face the facts until they are ready and I hope it wont be too late.
What will help, well talking to other countries that have an outside view helps. Being gentile, loving, and affirming with other Americans might help. I thin Kerry was too aggressive in pointing the finger.
I think the first step towards acceptance here in America is denial. We are in that right now! The first step in moving through denial is accepting that America may be in denial, and then gently allowing America to move through. I ask my higher power to help me feel safe (Bush certainly doesn't) and secure enough today to accept what I need to accept. We have lost the chance for change.
Oh man, I feel you! The night-before-interview insomnia is such a classic (and cruel) twist. It’s like your brain decides that 2 a.m. is the perfect time to relive every awkward moment from the last decade and rethink your entire life strategy, right?
But hey, skip the head-bonking idea. Let’s try some non-head-trauma options: maybe a mini meditation or a breathing exercise? You could try that 4-7-8 breathing trick, inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8. Or just visualize exactly how that interview will go (since apparently, your brain’s up for a detailed dress rehearsal). Sometimes getting all those racing thoughts out on paper helps too, just a quick brain dump.
Remember, if you end up sleep-deprived tomorrow, your adrenaline will probably carry you through the interview. And you can reward yourself with the world’s biggest nap when it’s done! Good luck, you got this!
Oh man, that’s a classic rollercoaster of emotions right there. First, staying up late with mom venting (honestly, who doesn’t need that sometimes?), and then the realization that you’ve been ghosted by your inbox filter of all things, it’s like a slap from the universe.
On the one hand, though, it’s a relief that people are actually interested. It’s funny how quickly we go from “no one wants me” to “oh no, they did want me, and now I missed it!” But hey, now you know! And you’re already on to the best step here, picking up those pieces and following up. If they reached out once, there’s a good chance they’re still open to talking, especially if you explain the whole “hey, I got ambushed by my spam folder” situation. It’s a conversation starter if nothing else!
And who knows, maybe this is all setting you up for the right opportunity that sticks. So here’s to a fresh start and, fingers crossed, some good news in your inbox soon.
Hello from the Public Library. There are no freeking jobs in Missoula. If fact there isn’t any freeking good job in Missoula. A description for $5.50 an hour states that you must work real hard. Screw that – for that kind of money, living in a tent, they can go straight to Butte. What the hell did I get an education for? To heck with you!
Looking back on this post, I have to laugh a bit at how I almost turned into my own armchair therapist. I mean, let’s be real, diagnosing autism from a blog post? That’s about as effective as trying to fix a car by staring at the manual.
But even as I wrote it, I could see a few breadcrumbs that hinted at my need for structure. When I said I “need the basic three: sleep, eat, and exercise” and that I “must focus on this,” it wasn’t just filler. Those aren’t just healthy habits to me; they’re like the glue that holds me together, especially when life gets rocky. Maybe it’s a bit of a peek into my mind, where routine really does feel like a lifeline.
And then there’s that bit where I wrote, “I’m always doing things differently,” and how that sometimes makes me feel like an enigma to others. Socializing can feel like I’m always two steps off-beat, making it hard for people to really “get” me. It’s not that I don’t want connections; sometimes, I just feel like I’m on a different frequency, like I’m always slightly out of sync with the crowd.And as for emotions, oh boy, that part where I’m talking about the “grief process” and the whole cocktail of denial, anger, sadness, and confusion. I don’t know if it’s just me or a brain-wiring thing, but when I feel, I really feel, like I’m constantly walking a tightrope of emotions, no net below.
But, hey, I know these are just little clues, little pieces of a larger puzzle. If anything, writing that post made me realize that only someone with the actual credentials—not just a keyboard—can put those pieces together in a way that makes sense.
Divergent Resources
Hello from my lovely living room in Missoula Montana. The sun is out and it looks like a nice summer day. When you go outside it is a different story. It is only 23 degrees out right now but the crisp air is worth it. I did not get any sleep last night and I missed getting up at 6. I need the basic 3, sleep, eat, and exercise. I must focus on this while I go through this very hard time.
Flexibility. I think our minds sometimes run on automatic. We follow the same thoughts running the same familiar ruts, our lives have a static, fixed quality. Do you think that it would be a good to have flexibility in our daily lives? Rather than responding in my habitual ways, I can try doing something differently, like this morning by not freaking out and going into a deep depression for the day because I missed an appointment.
I say this, if we run the same routine every day nothing will change. After all isn’t change good sometimes. Now we come to my secondary struggle. Doing things differently, in my view, isn’t exactly going to be good for others to accept you. If your constantly doing things differently, how can anyone get to know you. My friend Paul can account for this. I am always doing things differently that I had done them before.
Maybe I am not thinking about this correctly. Is not the most important thing acceptance of ourselves, our past, other people, and our present circumstances? Acceptance brings peace, healing, and freedom, something that my present situation does not give a lot of. I need freedom, freedom to take care of myself.
Its not that easy however. Acceptance isn’t just one of those ”turn the switch“ things. This brings me to what I am feeling now. I am going through the necessary stages, like denial, anger, negation, and sadness. Yes, the grief process. I am full of grief, yes! My grief is frustrating. It is confusing. I am hovering between sadness and denial, specially with the car. That is also why I have decided to stay away from friends so that they don’t have to try to understand my mood changes and wacky behavior. Hell, I don’t understand it sometimes.
Don’t worry universe! I am taking steps to take care of myself, at my own pace. Please be understanding friend, for the very human way I go through transition.
Boneshakerbike 