Its dark this morning and cold – this Friday morning it is dark and cold. As everyone can see, I am real sleepy. Last night I had fun on the night ride with Larry. Most of it, as I ran into his bike carrier and bruised some ribs. I cant win for losing. I haven't heard from the job that I would really be excited to get. My unemployment is over and now I have to pack up most of my stuff and get ready to start living in the car. After I lose the car, well, then its off to the homeless shelter. Of course Ill have to stash my belongings somewhere. Specially my laptop. Someday – over the rainbow! At least I get to live in Missoula.
A friend of mine is taking me to the football game this weekend and I cant wait. One last fun thing before I drop out of society. Don't worry folks, I am just having an emotional reaction to my present situation. What I should do Is relax and think at a deeper level about my situation and realized that my reactions may make them worse more than anything.
Lets now go off on a tangent though of mine about something I read once. One of the most frightening stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. In, denial, there is a bliss. In anger, there is power. In bargaining, we flux-u-ate between believing there is something we can do and realizing that we are helpless.
We may get our hopes up over and over to only have them crushed. How many of you turn yourselves inside out? Do you try to negotiate with reality? I do – I have done things that appear absolutely whacked in perspective. My thinking is that is I become a different person things will be different and more stable. If I lose weight things will be happier. If I keep my apartment cleaner then I will feel stable. Go out on a bike ride and work out so hard that I pass out – and when it is over everything will be worked out and peaceful.
As a child I have done the same thing. ”Maybe if I am the perfect child, then mom or dad will love and approve of me“. ”If I am a perfect child they will stop fighting or stop having money problems.“ ”If I am a good child things wont go wrong so many times“.
Any way what I think is reality at this point is that there is no substitute for accepting reality. That should be my goal. And along the way, I am going to try to strike a deal. I must recognize that as bargains instead of grief and I should choose grief. it's a process – which will help me manage my life more effectively.