Hello from my lovely living room in Missoula Montana. The sun is out and it looks like a nice summer day. When you go outside it is a different story. It is only 23 degrees out right now but the crisp air is worth it. I did not get any sleep last night and I missed getting up at 6. I need the basic 3, sleep, eat, and exercise. I must focus on this while I go through this very hard time.

Flexibility. I think our minds sometimes run on automatic. We follow the same thoughts running the same familiar ruts, our lives have a static, fixed quality. Do you think that it would be a good to have flexibility in our daily lives? Rather than responding in my habitual ways, I can try doing something differently, like this morning by not freaking out and going into a deep depression for the day because I missed an appointment.

I say this, if we run the same routine every day nothing will change. After all isn’t change good sometimes. Now we come to my secondary struggle. Doing things differently, in my view, isn’t exactly going to be good for others to accept you. If your constantly doing things differently, how can anyone get to know you. My friend Paul can account for this. I am always doing things differently that I had done them before.

Maybe I am not thinking about this correctly. Is not the most important thing acceptance of ourselves, our past, other people, and our present circumstances? Acceptance brings peace, healing, and freedom, something that my present situation does not give a lot of. I need freedom, freedom to take care of myself.

Its not that easy however. Acceptance isn’t just one of those ”turn the switch“ things. This brings me to what I am feeling now. I am going through the necessary stages, like denial, anger, negation, and sadness. Yes, the grief process. I am full of grief, yes! My grief is frustrating. It is confusing. I am hovering between sadness and denial, specially with the car. That is also why I have decided to stay away from friends so that they don’t have to try to understand my mood changes and wacky behavior. Hell, I don’t understand it sometimes.

Don’t worry universe! I am taking steps to take care of myself, at my own pace. Please be understanding friend, for the very human way I go through transition.