Category: Blog Posts

Yesterday? Rough. Last night? Let’s just say I’m ready to leave it in the past. But hey, not all bad news, I did manage to squeeze in a hike and make some progress on my new blog app. Yep, I’m officially a hiking, blogging, web-coding machine these days. More updates on that soon. Sleeping, though, is a different story. My ribs are sore as heck, and last night, trying to get up off the floor, I’m pretty sure I heard one of them crack. Good times, right?

Today, though, is game day, and I’m banking on the Griz to show Arizona what’s what. Sorry, Mom and Dad, but I’m hoping for a nice, hearty slaughter.

Honestly, I can’t wait to get my life moving again, getting a job, a routine, some stability. All this limbo, unemployment, counting pennies, it’s a drain. But I’ve decided I’m going to enjoy myself today, money or no money, even if it’s the last fun I have for a while. I’ve got 23 days left before the cash fully runs out and “homeless” goes from looming threat to actual reality. So today, I’m just gonna breathe and let myself have fun. No guilt. I know, I know, I’ve been keeping it light all summer, but this past month has been especially rough. If it had all been like this, I’d probably be back East by now, crashing on someone’s couch. (Don’t worry, Paul, I won’t come knocking for cash or a place to stay. Yet!)

There’s work to be done, and I’m ready to do it. But today, it’s about guilt-free fun. I even went hiking last night, after dark, yes, and sure, I felt guilty being out there when I hadn’t finished everything I wanted to. But I went. Which reminds me, if I want to get in some biking before the game, I better head out soon.

This recovery isn’t just about surviving the tough stuff. It’s about learning to make myself feel okay, then eventually good. Today, I’m choosing to feel good. So enjoy your day, I know I’m gonna try.

It’s a dark, cold Friday morning, and let me tell you, I am dragging. You can probably see it, practically have “sleepy” written across my forehead. Last night was fun, though. Went on a night ride with Larry, and, well, most of it was great…until I smacked into his bike carrier. Now I’ve got bruised ribs to show for it. Can’t seem to win for losing these days.

Still haven’t heard anything back from the job I was really excited about, and now that my unemployment’s dried up, it’s time to start packing up. I’m gearing up to live out of the car for a bit, and once that’s gone, I guess it’ll be the homeless shelter. The logistics are already giving me a headache, figuring out where to stash my stuff, especially the laptop. “Someday, over the rainbow,” right? At least Missoula is a beautiful place to crash-land.

There’s a silver lining, though: a friend’s taking me to the football game this weekend. One last hurrah before I, you know, go off the grid. But don’t worry too much, I’m just having a moment here. I know I need to chill out and get some perspective, or I’m just going to make everything feel ten times worse than it is.

Which brings me to a tangent (I’ve always got one, don’t I?). I once read something about the stages of acceptance, and bargaining always struck me as one of the trickiest. Denial has a weird bliss to it, and anger, well, that has its own power. But in bargaining, you’re in this back-and-forth, clinging to the idea that you can somehow change things, even while you realize just how helpless you are. It’s exhausting, really.

It’s funny (and by “funny,” I mean totally disheartening): how many times do we turn ourselves inside out, thinking that if we just tweak a few things, the universe will come around? I’ve tried all kinds of ridiculous bargains myself. Like, if I lose weight, maybe I’ll finally feel happy. If I keep my place spotless, maybe I’ll feel like my life’s under control. Go on a brutal bike ride and push myself so hard I can’t think…and maybe afterward, I’ll magically feel peaceful.

Honestly, I’ve been doing it since I was a kid. I’d think, If I’m the perfect child, Mom and Dad will finally get along, or If I’m good enough, maybe nothing bad will happen. You get the picture.

I’m realizing, though, that all these mental “deals” are just me trying to avoid what’s really happening. There’s no substitute for just sitting down and accepting reality as it is. That’s the real goal, right? Bargaining might feel like control, but it’s just another way of stalling. If I can recognize my bargaining for what it is, maybe I can finally stop making deals and choose acceptance. It’s a process, sure, but at least it feels like I’m moving forward.

Oh man, I feel you! The night-before-interview insomnia is such a classic (and cruel) twist. It’s like your brain decides that 2 a.m. is the perfect time to relive every awkward moment from the last decade and rethink your entire life strategy, right?

But hey, skip the head-bonking idea. Let’s try some non-head-trauma options: maybe a mini meditation or a breathing exercise? You could try that 4-7-8 breathing trick, inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8. Or just visualize exactly how that interview will go (since apparently, your brain’s up for a detailed dress rehearsal). Sometimes getting all those racing thoughts out on paper helps too, just a quick brain dump.

Remember, if you end up sleep-deprived tomorrow, your adrenaline will probably carry you through the interview. And you can reward yourself with the world’s biggest nap when it’s done! Good luck, you got this!

Oh man, that’s a classic rollercoaster of emotions right there. First, staying up late with mom venting (honestly, who doesn’t need that sometimes?), and then the realization that you’ve been ghosted by your inbox filter of all things, it’s like a slap from the universe.

On the one hand, though, it’s a relief that people are actually interested. It’s funny how quickly we go from “no one wants me” to “oh no, they did want me, and now I missed it!” But hey, now you know! And you’re already on to the best step here, picking up those pieces and following up. If they reached out once, there’s a good chance they’re still open to talking, especially if you explain the whole “hey, I got ambushed by my spam folder” situation. It’s a conversation starter if nothing else!

And who knows, maybe this is all setting you up for the right opportunity that sticks. So here’s to a fresh start and, fingers crossed, some good news in your inbox soon.

Hello from the Public Library. There are no freeking jobs in Missoula. If fact there isn’t any freeking good job in Missoula. A description for $5.50 an hour states that you must work real hard. Screw that – for that kind of money, living in a tent, they can go straight to Butte. What the hell did I get an education for? To heck with you!

This morning’s run greeted me with a bright orange sunrise, the perfect wake-up call. The sun hit my face, warm and inviting, a reminder of how simple moments can feel so fulfilling. This weekend seems promising. Tomorrow, I’m heading to a Halloween party at my friend Sean’s house. The whole gang will be there, and I can’t wait. On Saturday, I’ll head to Plattsburgh, New York, to celebrate my friend Lucy’s birthday. While I’m there, I’m planning on getting new tires and pretending, even if just for a moment, that I still live in that familiar place. I’ll shop for birthday gifts, check out the new Starbucks, and hopefully catch the last of the fall foliage. It’s still quite beautiful here in Connecticut.

Ever feel like everyone else has a more important, exciting life? Sometimes I do. But I have to remind myself that my life is real and valuable too, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. I read somewhere that this feeling is just a leftover belief from the past, a “self-defeating belief that is inaccurate.” I think that makes sense. Maybe I just need to jump back into my own life and fully live it, because it is real. Anyway, it’s too nice and sunny outside to spend time lost in the shadows of old thoughts. Time to step into the light.

This morning something is burning as I cant even see down the street. I took the car to Liquid Planet for the start of today’s job search. I did not want to breath all the smoke. Its choking! I am constantly reminding myself that I am not doing enough. I am losing my car, but it is my fault for not looking harder for a job sooner. I am losing fitness because I drove today instead of biking. I don’t have a job because I am not being aggressive enough. All these thoughts must be beaten down.

My higher power knows the plan for today. I know not to let others impose their plan for me today although in a subconscious level I do listen. I should just relax though because I believe (at least by writing this, I may believe more than before), that my higher power would not plan anything that I cant do. At least not anything I am not ready to do. If I want to worry and fuss, that is my prerogative. That is my choice.

So then … I may lose my car, but then again, I may not. I am not out of shape. I may get a job today, lets wait and see.

Good morning from the Liquid Planet where I am wondering if they are getting tired of me here everyday all day long. I went to a party last night at a friends house. He is the professor at University of Montana! The University just got a multi million dollar grant. I told him that they need to invest in paperless prescriptions and that I could lead a study. He has the most beautiful house I have been to so far. His views are the most beautiful I have seen. From his living room the south window frames Lolo Peak. It is like a painting but very big. Lolo looks so huge from his house for some reason. I even saw a good sign … a deer was running and fell down. Tripped. How many times do you see that. I thought he got shot.

I start leading a night riding group next week. I have convinced some riders that they can do it. No one here has ever heard of riding at night with lights. My friend got new ones and he is infatuated with them. “They are so cool” he says. Ah such youngsters here and they think I am a young kid. loll!

I found a trail I like up Sentinel. First off let me say that the south Sentinel is higher than the common one people hike up. This trail that I have hiked twice goes up the big valley between the two. You start at the parking lot at the U. At the first switchback go straight and steadily climb until the X-apartments are below you, then go straight up … around the gate, and up the drainage. Lots of deer hang out there and it is wooded. The sounds of the city fall off. There is an old homestead and on top you come out at the access road just as it gets steep up to the summit of the south Sentinel.