Author: Bill

Hello from the Daily Planet. I am trying to not come here since it takes $1.00 to buy a cup of coffee and legitimatize my stay to use the internet. Yesterday something got hung up. I find my self without anything to do. I cant leave town due to my financial situation. I cant use the car since it needs service and the cost of gas is so high. I really don't want to do the things I love to do at home either. Play a video hockey game – blah! Work on some pictures – blah. Play with Marcy – blah. I did settle on fixing up my rear wheel to my mountain bike and barely got out for a small ride.

Today I wake up to the possibility of snow and that kind of excites me. I read once ”Distractedness is one sign that we are avoiding the truth of the moment“. Does this mean that I am ready to face the truth of the moment? Is the truth of the moment bad, if not why was I trying to avoid it? ”If it is pleasant, be aware without clinging. If it is unpleasant, be aware without resistance“, I read from a book by Tara Goldsman. So then, I am aware.

Now I am not truly satisfied yet this morning. I still don't feel aware. Then I figure, I must just let it be and let the universe sort it out. Dos not the universe always provide. Rejecting fear and the unknown and just being myself open to the universe to guide. Do you get this? Well, that's all I have to say. Good-day!

Last night I was coming back out of Patte canyon after a night ride with some friends when tragedy struck. In the darkness, I hit a pothole or something big and sharp. My rear wheel fractured, although I did not know it at the time. I got a ride into town from a friend and gasped when I got the bike into the apartment where I could see the damage. The rim is fractured and bent beyond repair. Why is it a tragedy? The wheel is a Rolf 24 spoke and is very very expensive. I do not know if I can even replace the rim, thus unless I figure out a way to get a rear wheel, my mountain biking is over until I get a job.

Today it is obvious I should think about acceptance. A wonderful elixir, called acceptance! Life is full of things to accept. We have to accept feelings, needs, desires, choices, and current relationships. I could go on!

Resistance is my first reaction. I don not think that is the best way. Resistance will not move us forward, and it will not eliminate the undesirable. Even my resistance must be accepted, yea, I am talking total acceptance. That is what I am trying to do here. Starting with resistance all others will follow into the changing of the guard, that acceptance offers. It will bring peace and contentment, ho

The elixir, acceptance! The magic that makes our present circumstances good hopefully opening the door to growth. Let go let God, or what I like to say let go let my higher power – is related. Therefore, I guess I have a broken wheel and I may not be able to bike for a while. I guess I will have to just accept that and see what happens in the future. What else can I do?

Is meditation not prayer? Why not call it praying? Is there a difference? Well, whatever, I call it meditation, and I have a new thought. Is not meditation a direct opposite of obsession and worry? Maybe that is why it helps to meditate during highly stressful times. Relaxing, opening conciseness is available and also free to all of us.

My meditation is hiking and mountain biking. The opposite of my meditation is worrying and trying to fix the unemployment situation. I worry that if I go hiking I am not doing everything to fix this unemployment burden. My obsession and worry is battling me, trying to have me give up the meditation. Last night I almost gave in but finally went hiking. I am glad I did. Still after it helped me, I feel like I was wasting my time. Were this summer and all the fun I had a waist of time.

I ask you this and so solving the questions above. Is it a waist of time to put gas in your car when you notice that it is running low? If you do not take the time to stop and re fuel you will be walking for sure! And that, my friends, is a real waist of time.

Today I am having a bad day. It is only a matter of time until the repo-people come to get my car. That is depressing. I am very depressed today. I must say this, not because I believe it, but because by some sort of conductive reactance it will make me feel better and centered. What ever … here it goes. When I am in the midst of an experience, it is easy to forget that there is a plan. Sometimes, all I can see is today.

If we were to watch only two minutes of the middle of a television program, it would not make sense. How often have you (cyber friend) used that same, limited perspective to look at your life – especially when you are going through a tough time?

I have an idea. Let us learn to have perspective when we are going through these confusing, difficult times. When we are being shit upon constantly by life. A perceived shitting that is!

Let us believe that there is something valuable being worked out – even when things seem so screwed up. Especially when we cannot get our bearings. Insight and clarity will out come until we have mastered this idea.

I read somewhere once ”Faith is like a muscle, it must be exercised to get stronger“. Repeated experiences of tough times is a good thing … it is exercising our faith. Faith … trusting what we cannot see and repeated experiences of learning to trust that things will work out, are what makes our faith grow. As an athlete, I can follow this plan … can you?

Hello from the Missoula Public Library! It is a sunny but cold day. It is nice with the snow-capped peaks looming around. It looks like Snow Bowl is getting good snow. The weekend went by and I had not even realized it. I pretty much summed up, finished my new site code last night, and realized it was Monday morning. What a shock.

All that said should I feel guilty about just writing code all weekend. Maybe so but I am hoping that some web software company might think I could be an asset. Some people believe that each of our days were planned, ordered by God, before we were born. God knew, they would say, and planned exactly what was to become.

Others suggest, and believe me I have plenty of these friends too, that we chose, or participated in planning our life – the events, the people, the circumstances that we were to take place, in order to work through our issues and learn the lessons we needed to master.

I say, WHATEVER … chill out. Let it go! What ever we believe, the way we interpret, whatever, is similar. Yep, it's all the same dude. Our past is either a mistake or accident. We have been where we needed to be, with the necessary people. We can embrace our history, with the pain, the imperfections, the mistakes, and all the tragedies. It is uniquely yours and it is what makes you …. You. It is why we love you!

I say this … today; we are right where we need to be – for now! Let go and let us live.

Here I sit at the public library listening to the Dark Tower audio CD and just now getting back to my job search routine. I am tired. Probably because I woke up at 5 a.m. after staying up real late. This time of year does something to my sleep patterns. I think it has something to do with years of doing that daylight savings time rip off.

With this lack of sleep I thought about something this morning. I have this friend that I would like to gripe to and get some validation and comfort. But I cant, instead I get a synopsis of what I should do to fix my problem and also what they would do supported by some heavy manipulation.

Sometimes I do things others don't like or approve of. They react. I react. Before long, we are all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates. I think they should detach.

They are hooked into a reaction of anger, guilt, or shame. When they get hooked into a power play — an attempt to control or force others to do something they don't want to. When the way they are reacting is not helping me solve the problem. The way they are reacting is hurting me.

Often, it is time to detach when detatchment is understanding that reacting and controlling does not help. The next step … I think, is getting peaceful — getting centered and restoring their balance.

Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Log off. Call another friend (hopefully they don't have the same problem). From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.

For me I will hope that others feel that they can surrender and trust that the answer is near.

Reporting from the Liquid Planet here in dark (morning) downtown Missoula. The ride in town this morning was dangerous due to the road construction. I had to ride the sidewalk and a couple frost heaves may have rendered me with two flat tires when I go back to my bike when I am done here. I have ordered mocha instead of a coffee and I am feeling guilty. Enough is enough and I have decided to make a creed.

When I was hired at Sikorsky Aircraft, I thought I would regain financial independence and payoff all depts. That did not happen and the task seemed un-surmountable. I did pay off some debts but overall I ended up digging a deeper hole. I now have the car payment monkey on my back. ($600.00 a month that could go to paying off Child Support or School Loans!)

I have to change and have put in place an idea. I need to work out my mess. It seems impossible! I do not even want to face it; it feels so overwhelming and hopeless. Nevertheless, I will. Each day I must do the best I can do to be responsible for myself.

It is difficult given that I do not even have a job now. I owe over $40,000.00, and my ability to produce is at a standstill right now. I am grieving; my self-esteem is at a low; my energy is low. I do not know if I can ever untangle this nightmare. Nevertheless, it will happen. Slowly, gradually, with the help of a higher power, manageability will creep in and replace chaos.

I will begin by not spending more than I earn (in this case unemployment). I will pay back creditors, a little at a time. I am going to let go of what I cannot do, and focus on what I can do.

Someday I will be dept free. I cannot even emagine that it is possible. I want to live comfortable, with money in the bank … or Pay Pal (I have earned .50 this month on dividends). In the Sikorsky years, I did restore my credit and I will not let that go.

I want to gain a financial sanity and security. One day at a time I can restore – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially . It may get worse before it gets better – because I am going to face reality instead of dodging it. However, once I make the decision and by writing this, I hope I am, I am on my way.

Reporting from the city library on a sunny evening I have some good news. No, I did not get a job. I will be launching my new site soon and you all can now get a sneak peak. Well …. If your reading this than you have peaked. I plan to launch the new site next Tuesday so stay tuned.

I am just about out of here to take Marcy hiking. Tonight we have to gather food at the store because I missed yesterdays grocery night due to coding the new site. I got a response today and it was another “we will be hiring sometime next year” email. Oh well I know there is something on the horizon.

Chillin’ in Missoula at Liquid Planet, and guess what? The sun’s decided to join the party, throwing glimmers off those snow-tipped mountains. Meanwhile, I’m here trying to focus, but there’s this chatter behind me that’s straight outta ‘Real World.’ Been diving deep into my website game lately, but today, it’s time to shift gears and hunt for a job.

Hit up some spots downtown – Intertech and Lupine Logic. So far, only Kevin Burns from Datamize LLC got back to me. Says they’re looking to hire, but not till the tail end of the first quarter in 2005. They’re digging my website, though, seeing some potential in me.

My buddy Alden’s pushing for me to look into jobs in Helena or Bozeman. But, honestly? Not feeling it. Those places smack a bit too “Yuppyish” for my taste. Missoula’s where my heart’s at.

Got plans with Marcy tonight to hike up the valley between those Sentinel Mountains. Plus, it’s Movie Night – “Cheap Seats” edition. Still on the fence about what to watch, or if I can even peel myself away from tweaking my website. But man, I gotta lock down a job around here.

Whew, another job search day. Getting a late start today not because but contributing to is the run-in I had with an ATM today. I entered my information and it processed everything except it forgot to give me my ten bucks. I had to go into the bank and make sure that I didn't get debited the amount without receiving my money.

Yesterday was un-productive. I visited some technology companies on the web after a search I did online. I tried to contact Pyron Technologies and some other places. The problem is that I don't have a phone here so I try to email them. When I am at home I don't have the net to do research. Of course I will start saving info and calling when I get home. Then there is the problem of me getting home late and not being able to reach them because its past closing time. Ill just have to go home sooner.

Last nights mountain bike ride with the Thursday Night Group was the last of the season and next week we will have a party. After that we are going to start night riding and after that hopefully snow shoeing and skiing.

Today I must get a hold of Snap Apps, Pyron Technologies, and Edu-cate(I forgot how this is spelled). I must go into these places I think and beg for employment.

Hello from the Liquid Planet where the sun was out this morning as I biked into down town to resume my job search. Yesterday went well but not as well as I would of wanted it to. I stopped in to see a friend of mine's friend that worked at the college where I am applying. He is a good guy who likes photography like myself. He suggested I go see a fellow in the law department where I was applying. So I went to turn in my resume at the Human Resources department and that is were I made my mistake. I asked for directions. “You can not approach that department”, I was told. I was informed by not only the person I asked for directions but by her supervisor that I could be jeopardizing my job application if I tried to influence the hiring process. This is not what I had in mind but I agreed and apologized then left. I didn't go see that fellow at the Law department because of that interaction and the fact that it was noon and I probably wouldn't find him there anyway.

Today I am hoping will be more promising. I plan to go to the unemployment office and actually beg. I will accept any position now. McDonald's will be my ne career. Whatever. I still cant accept the fact that I am going to lose my car and my credit will be damaged forever. I am planning to default my student loans and that will cement my doom as far as credit goes. So much for owning land and a home here.

The weekend is in jeopardy as it is supposed to rain. I guess I will have more time to job hunt.

Today started off on a brighter note than yesterday, which took a nosedive the moment I received a message from GEICO about my car, casting a shadow over my job-hunting efforts until late evening. The burden of potential debt looms large, making me hesitant to use credit for bills, fearing it’ll deepen the financial pit created by my education—a path I now question, feeling it was driven by greed. This lesson has been costly, delaying my dreams of a log cabin, a family, and a cozy fireplace.

Despite the setbacks, I’m geared up and ready to dive back into the job search. However, finding software engineering opportunities in Missoula is like searching for water in a desert, especially with the shift of such jobs overseas. Today’s agenda includes a hopeful visit to the college to meet Ryan Alter and submit my resume for a “Computer Support Specialist” role.

The weekend promises a change of scenery and a chance for reflection. I’m drawn to McCloud, viewing it as a personal quest that might, hopefully, unveil a path to employment. I’m also considering exploring photography jobs. With optimism, I wish everyone Godspeed on their own journeys.