I woke up this morning feeling better than I would have figured given the fact that when I went to bed last night the big bruise on my thigh was really disturbing. It is particularly disturbing because it is from a muscle pull. Last weekend I was racing with a slight muscle pull when I ripped it good jumping over some barriers. I figure it must be severe to bruise like that. That thought brings me to this mornings topic. Why am I always hurt and why am I always in a martyr?
Sometimes it seems I may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause myself distress. It may be feeding into my helplessness or my martyr role. Maybe it feeds my need to be needed, enhancing my self esteem by allowing me to feel in control or mortally superior to the other person. Sometimes I feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular friendship.
I saw a story the other day where a woman said that her father sexually abused her as a child. Then she said, "I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially".
So what if I do this to some extent? Just realizing that I may have gotten a payoff from a relationship is not cause for shame. It is not because it is a perfect opportunity for the means to search out the blocks in myself that may be stopping my growth.
Am I just thinking to much this morning or should I really start thinking about taking responsibility for the part I may be playing in keeping myself victimized. Am I really beat up? I mean I am alive and not in the hospital! I need to look honestly and fearlessly at any payoff that I am getting from my actions and let go … and find the real healing that I am seeking. Only then can I receive the positive, healthy payoff available from my friends. The payoffs I really need!
So what do you think? Feel free to comment .