I took a early lunch to talk on the phone about an opportunity in Bozeman. Something was offered and I turned it down. As I grasped for confidence I looked down at my feet. Tattered shoes dangling from ragged pant legs. The only decent piece of clothing was the socks which I get an endless supply of as a racer. Collectively it gave me a reason to ask for more. I need more, more then just being able to eat. I need to buy pants for gods sake. The conversation ended and my status is right back in “limbo”.
Yesterday I attempted a climb up University Mountain via foot. My body just was in total anger mode. I was so winded I felt like passing out. When I attempted to run I felt like a penguin trying to fly. I just didn’t feel comfortable in my own body. I felt like I should be home watching Deadliest Catch or something.
Even if I was not in running shape and felt out of place I DID fit into the environment just fine. The outdoors … the woods … it was all still the same comfortable place. The same beautiful, the same fresh air. It was the same great trail and the same great view. This is why I work out … mostly … but then there is more to it.
I work out to tear myself down. No, not because I am a masochist, I didn’t want to feel like shit last night. Because when I build it all back up again it feels a lot better then when I started. It is mostly how life works. But it all starts with wanting more.