Reflection

I just came off a weekend that presented me with some emotional adventure. Some feelings came rolling by and instead of getting me down I have decided to use this opportunity to reflect. Now most of the story I am about to expose below comes from fragmented stories that I have been told over the years by family members. I may have it wrong but this is what is buried deep within my brain, somewhere hidden. What is about to be revealed may irritate some but really people, can I be responsible for everyone’s feelings when this reveal is meant to heal and not malicious?

In any case this event shaped my life and saddled me with a bad reaction to emotional times when I become clingy and worrisome. Some times I don’t want to be alone and while independence is great alone should not be so bad of a thing.

I was a young child. I only know that I was young enough that should I be found miles away from mom’s house walking down the middle of the road that a police man had to scoop me up and take me back. So young that he had to scoop me up. So small that I wasn’t even as tall as a sagebrush. I am guessing around 6 or 7. When do children start to walk? If I had a bike I would of been three miles down the road. Anyway thanks to living in the small town of Roundup the police man knew who I was and where I belonged.

When questioned why I just took off and walked straight down the road I answered that I was going to find my grandpa. The only problem was that my grandpa was dead. But I felt like I knew where he was and was making a break to go find him. I guess my mom was grieving and thought I was asleep in my bed.

Grandpa died in a hospital after a massive burn accident. He was on top of an oil tank working in the oil fields when it exploded. Accidents happen and death happens but to a small child it is hard to explain.  To a small child it is abandonment. Yea! Well that is brutal but as raw as it seems it is what it is.

My grand father was my dad (according to my mom and grandma). My mother was a single parent and grandpa took over the duties on showing me the ropes everything from shaving to fixing a motor. I was young and didn’t understand of course but he was “the man”. If that is true then I must of felt that he abandon me.

“Would of , should of, could of”, is a phrase that was told to me this weekend. I suppose that is right but what happened after my grandfathers death also contributes. I say this without blame because in the end everyone reacts and because of a pain that was dealt with at a very young age. Parents were emotionally distant and the word “love” seemed to be taboo. Then to top it off I kept investing my love into pets that would get hit by cars. Again probably why I have a bad relationship to cars while riding my bike.

No-a-dayz I know that I am alright alone even though it is hard at times. By living alone you discover and learn about yourself and only then can you live with others. Right? So my homework project is to trust other relationships. I will trust they will be ok, and that they will work out how they work out. Relax dude!

I tried to chase my grandpa down that day but that damn police officer stopped me. Again. Should of had a bike. Maybe that is why I am still riding as fast as I can into the night … for 24 hours.