Injured Ribs

It’s a dark, cold Friday morning, and let me tell you, I am dragging. You can probably see it, practically have “sleepy” written across my forehead. Last night was fun, though. Went on a night ride with Larry, and, well, most of it was great…until I smacked into his bike carrier. Now I’ve got bruised ribs to show for it. Can’t seem to win for losing these days.

Still haven’t heard anything back from the job I was really excited about, and now that my unemployment’s dried up, it’s time to start packing up. I’m gearing up to live out of the car for a bit, and once that’s gone, I guess it’ll be the homeless shelter. The logistics are already giving me a headache, figuring out where to stash my stuff, especially the laptop. “Someday, over the rainbow,” right? At least Missoula is a beautiful place to crash-land.

There’s a silver lining, though: a friend’s taking me to the football game this weekend. One last hurrah before I, you know, go off the grid. But don’t worry too much, I’m just having a moment here. I know I need to chill out and get some perspective, or I’m just going to make everything feel ten times worse than it is.

Which brings me to a tangent (I’ve always got one, don’t I?). I once read something about the stages of acceptance, and bargaining always struck me as one of the trickiest. Denial has a weird bliss to it, and anger, well, that has its own power. But in bargaining, you’re in this back-and-forth, clinging to the idea that you can somehow change things, even while you realize just how helpless you are. It’s exhausting, really.

It’s funny (and by “funny,” I mean totally disheartening): how many times do we turn ourselves inside out, thinking that if we just tweak a few things, the universe will come around? I’ve tried all kinds of ridiculous bargains myself. Like, if I lose weight, maybe I’ll finally feel happy. If I keep my place spotless, maybe I’ll feel like my life’s under control. Go on a brutal bike ride and push myself so hard I can’t think…and maybe afterward, I’ll magically feel peaceful.

Honestly, I’ve been doing it since I was a kid. I’d think, If I’m the perfect child, Mom and Dad will finally get along, or If I’m good enough, maybe nothing bad will happen. You get the picture.

I’m realizing, though, that all these mental “deals” are just me trying to avoid what’s really happening. There’s no substitute for just sitting down and accepting reality as it is. That’s the real goal, right? Bargaining might feel like control, but it’s just another way of stalling. If I can recognize my bargaining for what it is, maybe I can finally stop making deals and choose acceptance. It’s a process, sure, but at least it feels like I’m moving forward.