I just got done with a movie. I started to think when I visited a familiar feeling. Sadness! I ask my self why after every movie I watch do I feel sadness. I mean sadness into the core of my being. I feel loss. I grieve but I don't know why. I just had an idea. I decided to sit and feel and actually try to get to the bottom of this. I love movies because I get lost in them. They are make believe I know. Movies let me feel the things I have never allowed myself to feel. I get caught up in the movie and fall in love, I care, and I feel compassion. Great compassion. When it is over I grieve. I never feel those things in life. I wont let them and I wonder why. People who know me must wonder if I fell love or really care in good interests towards the people that are associated with me.
But wait. I do in life fall in love and care at times. But now I look back and reflect. I have always sabotaged those relationships. Un consciously I always let them go. I never have told those people how I feel about them only those That I find I can manipulate do I think I feel and I report to them that I care and or love. Does this make me a bad person. Only if I cant reverse this and start living!